RELATIONSHIP

CHAPTER 1

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HE RATHER BE TRAMPLED BY AN ELEPHANT ON FIRE THAN TO TELL YOU HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

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I am not a relationship expert.Even if I attended a relationship school, I am sure still won't be an expert.Ideally, nothing confuses me like relationships.I get even more confused when I listen to the so-called experts who speak about women or men and how they relate with so much authority and gusto; you may think they were present at the beginning of time when Adam and Eve were sharing an apple and listening to a snake.

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The are far too many relationship experts in this country.Open any magazine, the first article you come across is about relationships; a guide on how to keep the fire burning in the bedroom, how to keep away from straying, how to keep away from his family....There are those articles which inform you about this amorphous species called Kenyan Man.The Kenyan Man metamorphosis into Kenyan Men, and what follows is a slew of their sins, big and small, real and imagined.Don't forget the advice section of how to tame him or make him see the light at the end of the tunnel you've been digging all your life and which you cannot figure out how to exit.Women here’s some advice for you. Have you ever wondered why your men do somethings and they still claim that they love you deep down you wonder why and for what reason, but the foolish you still want to stay with him?

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Kenyan women are the most beautiful, smart, funny women and they shouldn’t be wasting their time trying to figure out why the Kenyan man isn’t calling them. It’s hard. We’re taught in life, we should try to look on the bright side, to be optimistic. Not in this case. In this case look on the dark side. Assume rejection first. Assume you’re the rule, not the exception. It’s nonintoxicating liberating. But we also know its not an easy concept. Because this is what we do: We go out with someone, we get excited about them, and then they do something that mildly disappoints us. Then they keep doing a lot more things that disappoints. Then we go into hyper-excuse mode for weeks or possibly months, because the last thing we want to think of is that this great Kenyan man was excited about is in the process of turning into a creep. Ladies, we try come up with some explanations for why they’re behaving that way, any explanation no matter how ridiculous, then the one explanation that’s the truth: He’s just not that into you. I’m not an expert, but a lady who has had her own fair share of relationships and is just tired of trying to figure out why I’m inadequate, why men are treating me in a certain way. I found the answer, it’s not me, it’s them.

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A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than to tell you that he’s just not that into you. When a guy is into you, he calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his hands off of you, and when its time to have sex, he’s more than overjoyed to oblige. Men are driven by sex and there are not complicated although they like to think they are. If a guy isn’t calling you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he’s dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him; his actions are screaming the truth: He’s just that not that into you.

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Men find it very satisfying to get what they want, if they want you, they’ll find you. If you don’t think you gave him enough time to you notice you, take the time it took you to notice him and divide it by half. He’s not that into you if he’s not asking you out, let me just say it a man will ask out a lady of higher status if he’s into her. He might need a little more courage than normal, but if a guy truly likes you nothing stops him from getting to you. Leave these excuse men make out here for not taking you out, he’s just that into you.

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He’s not that into you if he’s not dating you. The romantic date says I’d like to see you alone to find out if we have a romantic future together. There’s usually a public excursion, a meal, and some hand-holding involved. Beware of the word ‘FRIEND’. It can often be used by men that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I’m picking friends, I don’t take the ones that make me cry myself to bed. Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. ‘I don’t want to be in a serious relationship’ truly means ‘I don’t want to be in a serious relationship with you’ or ‘I’m not sure you’re the one’. Sorry.

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Kenyan women don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he creates expectations for you and doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do the same for the big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. You’re a smart, funny, woman who deserves better. There’s a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he’s your boyfriend, quit goofing around and go find him.

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I’m not a relationship expert.

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                                                    CHAPTER 2  

                     

GOOD HUSBANDS

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 You want good husbands? Buy your boyfriends presents!

   

Roses are red violets blue don’t want to spend a day without you, come live in my heart and pay no rent.  Very romantic, I’d definitely fall in love instantly. These are some of the famous love quotes men had to sweat saying this past valentine or else it would lead to severe punishment of being denied the right of Deeping their hands in the cookie jar. So pitiful!

Valentine’s day came and we are yet to know whether the love quotes did something to smoothen the ladies’ hearts or whether the torture put on men to buy flowers, chocolate had paid off or rather the love they were supposed to manifest has withered or still we are not satisfied. Go easy on the boychild ladies.

The infamous “Valentines is coming where’s your boyfriend” song was a total nonsense and torture to our ears especially, the single ones. The song brought nothing but loneliness and a touch of jealousy with extreme want and hatred, no lady including me enjoyed every bit of the song. I have to admit I got mad every time I heard someone playing that song. It was unbearable torture, I tell you. The song got me thinking, does one have to have boyfriend on Valentine’s day and does not having one make you less of a woman? Society, give us a break!

Now I know why Men’s conference was held on the same day. The Boy child is in trouble, it has always been but this time it was way extra, someone needs to stand for our assumed tough and hardcore species. The society assumes men to be tough and if a tear is out of their eyes one is called weak and considered funny, Kenyan boy-child is not supposed to scream, or wince when in pain because men are supposed to grin and bear it. No boy or man wants to laughed at all the time for crying, that’s why, the Kenyan boy-child prefers to suffer in silence.

Men’s conference was specifically held by men to protect against women, needy women because it has been inculcated in men that women are needy beings who ask for things just for the heck of it.  Not because they want to measure the potential of their men, but because they want to use that as a tool for weeding men out of their lives. Men went through a lot to get their women presents, this got me wondering what did we women get for our men?

Kenyan men when was the last time a woman gave you a Christmas gift that took your breath away? Where is that epic Valentine’s Day gift that you can show off and make your male friends jealous? Post a birthday picture on Instagram of you on a vacation that cost you zero shillings. There’s a barbwire of excuses you have lined about why the Kenyan woman has never done you anything. Dear men you have entertained grown women for so long, given them your time, energy, affection and attention yet in the end you get a series of quarrels and complaints about the things you’ve constantly given even in small amounts.

Kenyan women have undervalued you your entire life and they will continue to do the least for the most going forward. You’re not content with that treatment, you’re angry, but you don’t know how to change those results, so you bottle it up and go on defensive, it’s not you; it’s the Kenyan women. Your love life is a math problem that will never be solved because you refuse to look at why the numbers are not adding up. Add the number of times you’ve slept with a woman, all the free dick you’ve given out and you’ll definitely know why you become a laughing stock of the internet every time you complain about a woman you met and ended up being an asshole. Do the math. Truth hurts and use that to better yourself.

As a man you deserve to be spoiled too. You can go out and get your own, but that want to be appreciated remains. And nothing about it makes you a weak man. Its not about dependent on a woman; its about being valued! You’re a king, but that doesn’t mean you ever grow out of being pampered like a prince.

Dear parents your daughters are treating boys unfairly yet you want good husbands for them. Where will these emotionally stable, romantic, caring men with nice mannerisms, those who will hold and cherish your daughters come from? Take your daughters and teach them to be less demanding and compassionate and you’ll have a son-in-law. You want good husbands? Buy your boyfriends presents!

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CHAPTER 3

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 THE ANGRY CENTENNIAL

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“How long did it take you to get over that guy who was 8 years older than you? You were obsessed with him and yet he didn’t even used to call you, he could go for months without sending you a message but the moment he sends the word “BABE” you flip out”. Sonia asked. My best friend has a tendency of giving me advice that she doesn’t follow. I know she has good intentions, but it frustrates the hell out of me sometimes that she’s always right. This is one of our many phone calls of the day of us walking ourselves through our days events, of what happened and whom did we see and remembering the girls we both hated in high school then eventually it ends with me telling her about that one guy who didn’t call that I liked so much. Sonia and I have been friends since high school, she’s the sister I didn’t have except we don’t fight over dresses and nail polish. Most of the time we hate each other’s choice of men. I love her and I thank God for her. 

“I told you I can’t really explain why I was so hung up on him. Some just get caught in the web… they stick around.” I eventually get to start going into hyper-excuse mode like I always do to cover up for the ugly treatment I get from men. I’m mostly scared to think that the men I get to meet will one day just say to me that “I don’t love you, or rather “I’ve never been in love with you Muganda , I just like you”. This is what the last guy I dated told me. I had called Sonia today to help me think, I was mad and I’ve been having this ugly urge to call my ex. It’s just been two months since we broke up and I haven’t forgotten about him. I changed my number, deleted his contact, blocked him but the stupid thing is I can’t erase the number from my brain. So, yes I called the guy, didn’t say anything. Before you judge me and call me pathetic, like Sonia has been doing the rest of the conversation let me make you understand where I’m coming from. We eventually finish the phone call with a bunch of gossips and endless good nights. 

It never occurred to me that at any point of my relationship with this rugby player it will one day end. I don’t know how to be single after a two year and a few months relationship. I don’t know how to start over ,its too much work.The tears and the frustrations that comes with it and I’m hating every bit of it. After break ups most people console themselves with empowering anthems like ‘I don’t need anyone else but myself right now’.

 I don’t know about any of you but I hate being single. I hate sleeping alone. I hate waking up alone and horny. I hate knowing that every time I have had a long day, I have no one to call to exchange sweet nothings with. I hate not having sex. I hate talking to my friends and hearing them throw ‘My boyfriend and I’ every now and then in the conversation. I’m not jealous, don’t get me wrong. I hate people asking me why I’m single. I hate my birthday and valentines day because I’m single. I hate watching romantic and erotic movies alone. I hate having to think about possibly becoming a single mother because I’m single and mostly I hate being horny knowing that there’s no one to get rid of my sexual needs instead I cry my eyes out. 

Ladies, there’s always a guy-or a few guys, actually-out of all the guys you meet who stick around in your mind for a long time. You think about them from time to time, you visit their socials and you reach out. You sit there thinking that there’s still a bit of hope that they’ll call ,text or even send someone say to say hi to you, that is if you guys lived close to each other or even went to the same campus or church. Trust me I’ve been there (still is). This doesn’t make you pathetic, you’re allowed to be vulnerable. 

I’m a hopeless romantic who sought approval and validation and tried to fill a void in myself by dating both men and women. I got into relationships to feel a sense of self worth and importance to feel desirable. And because I finally felt seen by the rugby player I believed I had found myself in someone else. I discovered codependency, unhealthy love and heartbreak  over and over. Eventually when we broke up, I believed that I’m not only defective but unlovable. Developed poor coping strategies that created a pattern of self destruction and more disconnection as I lost trust in him but most importantly in myself. I became desperate and moldable by him. I did anything I could do to prove I actually mattered, had value and I am lovable.  

I don’t know how I ended up reaching to a point where the word ‘happy’ disappeared and I numb myself in beer, cigarettes and meaningless sex with the one person that wasn’t in love with me. I continued to drift further from myself and God and the more I disconnected from myself the more I craved for a connection with him. Call it toxic.

I have fallen into lukewarm relationships that led to months and years of misery and heartbreak and lots of tears. If I were to cry for pay I’d be the richest 22 year old. I knew this relationship wasn’t good for me but just because I was scared of being alone in a world where my age mates are having ‘safe sex’. 

I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I remember one time in school, my room-mate left for the weekend to see her parents. I was seated on my bed in a towel then suddenly the dam broke, tears flooded down like a river with no expression or sound, I just sat there staring blankly. This became my weekends hobby, my room-mate would leave and the dam would break again. The tears were the only proof that I was alive. 

I am broke, I have nothing but my pencil, an exercise book, unfinished stories and my laptop. I have struggled with and (still do) with codependency and unhealthy attachments. I was exposed to sex at an early age, got sexually assaulted by people my mother called relatives more reasons I’m still struggling with true intimacy. I threw myself in the hands of any man that made me feel wanted and loved hoping that they’d love me more than my father who didn’t see the need of being in my life while growing up until I reached twelve. Yes-I have daddy issues. I’ve always lived my head disconnected from my body with no sense of purpose and sense of self love. 

I’m starting to understand the roots of being lonely. Understanding it hasn’t taken away how real and constant it is. It’s not temporary like being hungry or horny. It’s an ongoing state that makes you lose hope. 

I have no one to hold, think about or sext and I pray everyday that no matter how lonely I get I should never find myself looking him up on his instagram, waiting by my phone like an idiot for him to respond to a message I sent weeks ago. Instead of me telling him off or ignoring him.

Who I’m I kidding? I am weak and I’d definitely drop everything right now if he randomly texts me ‘Hi’. 

Mr. Rugby player, I still love you but I don’t want to love you any more. I don’t want to hurt any more. Please. I have been assaulted, my virginity taken away at a young age and my heart broken into many pieces. 

I have the right to be angry.